ad hoc MOM

It’s official, nothing seems to help insomnia! So I am now desperate enough to try tape, staples, even a needle and thread. As you guys know from my past post (Drugs: Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, No?) I was trying a new med. Well, it did help me sleep – Yay! BUT it also turned me into a raving lunatic – I really don’t need any assistance in that department, thank you. Aside from my right leg’s inability to stop shaking I felt this rage that I’ve never felt in life, well, ok, maybe in 4^th grade when this girl beat me up after school. But I’m an adult now and usually if I get that angry I can vent to a friend, take it out on my spouse, or go work out and feel better. But I just couldn’t get rid of this “on edge” feeling no matter how hard I tried. And since I was trying to get better sleep to be a better mommy it seems counter-productive to get that much needed sleep and then walk around as if I’m Jean Claude Van Dam after someone called me a “pussy”.

I realized in my last post I forgot to detail out the things I have tried to go to sleep: Meditation, Mantras, Melatonin, Sleep Hygiene (I have more How-To Sleep books for me than I do for my once newborn), Sex, Exercise, Meds, and even a few books on Thermo Dynamics (you know I’m an insomniac when I found it mesmerizing and couldn’t put the books down).

I don’t actually believe that all problems are solved with a pill; it’s just that I’ve already tried so many other things, and hell taking a small little red pill is WAY EASIER than running 6 miles every day, especially when there’s 3 feet of snow and I’ve got a head full of phlegm.

So once again it’s back to the grindstone.  I’m going to try acupuncture and working out more regularly and see where that gets me (fingers crossed).  It’s just such a strange situation. I had my sleep really under control before getting pregnant and even during my pregnancy I slept so soundly (I know there are a lot of you out there giving me the finger right now) but once my son was in this world I haven’t been able to actually sleep well or deeply since. All I can think is that subconsciously I believe that if I don’t sleep well I’ll fuck up. I’ll make some huge mistake in my mommy-hood that will forever scar him.

Ok, at the risk of TMI, I didn’t have such a great childhood. (Don’t worry readers my parents are fully aware of this too) So, being a parent for me is fraught with quite a lot of worry; mix that with heart wrenching love and you’ve got quite the Molotov cocktail. I’m not saying that all those who sleep well had the best pasts either I’m just admitting that this is in fact at the heart of my issue.

On the bright side, I guess I can have another child. So I can stop crying. Of course, should I get pregnant can you imagine the GRUMPY woman I would become? No sleep, a toddler, extra weight gain that comes with strangers telling you that you look glowy and rosy (other words for FAT), and boobs that could seriously injure me should I decide to jog throughout said pregnancy! So it’s settled, still can’t have another kid until I can actually sleep like a normal human being. Conclusion: back to being sad about not having another kid and now I’m also very tired.