Recently 3 of our very good friends had babies (Congrats Carrie, Erin and Jess!) and it got me to thinking about how they’ve been thrown back into that dog-eat-dog world that is Mommy-and-me. So I decided to put together a little something for them to hand out as a way of making this next experience a little easier.
At my first Mommy-and-Me get together I discussed the possibility of contracting anal syphilis while giving birth this is a very effective way to dismiss those women who are obviously not in my sort of headspace. I don’t do it to be all Mean Girls I just don’t want to waste my time with a bunch of mommies who think I’m nuts and are secretly plotting to take away my baby.
So the rest of you don’t have to rely on this crazy tactic I’ve made a list of rules.
Now, there’s always a few mothers who show up to a gathering all decked out in camera-ready hair and makeup then proceed to ask you if you’re feeling ok because “honey, you don’t look so well.” And then you want to scream: “Of course I don’t look well! I just took what felt like the largest crap of my life, which then concluded with a teeny tiny dictator that won’t even let me shower and periodically, just to keep me in my place, pees or shits on me.” Furthermore these models of mommydom are eating granola bars and sipping non-caffeinated tea while you sit there stuffing your face with chocolate croissants and downing a HUGE espresso so that you can function and remember that you actually have a baby since in all your dreams – when you do get some shut eye – you imagine leaving him at the checkout lane or on the subway.
Rule 1: To the Mommy models: you must LIE to the woman sitting beside you. Tell her she looks great. And actually, this isn’t lying, she has just had her body turned inside out (vagina side up) and then outside in again. Also, you have obviously sold your soul; it’s not natural to look that good.
Once the group gets going and mommies start going back to work it’s hard, if you don’t have a plan, to know where you fit in. Some women have it all figured out to the last detail, the last minute. (I envy them) Most of us though are like Stevie Wonder playing hide and seek. So please, those who do have a plan, don’t make judgments or pronouncements about those who don’t. For example, when my baby was 6 weeks and I was contemplating staying home with him and maybe writing, I had this one mommy tell me that she was appalled that women still stayed home; what did they do all day?
Rule 2: If you’re an idiot, keep it to yourself.
After a little while the group will open up a bit and the women will start comparing notes. Has your baby slept through the night? Rolled over? Eaten cereal? This kind of conversation is nice and very natural. However, there’s always one or two who spoil the whole party with what their little Einsteins are up to, which then makes the rest of us, who are already existing on little to no sleep, feel terrible about any sort of progress our baby has made. And it’s not that we aren’t not happy for them, it’s that they want to tell you about little junior’s division capabilities EVERY chance they get.
Rule 3: If your 2 month old can do Trigonometry shut your pie-hole, we heard you the first 800 times. Most babies are rolling over and, maybe, perhaps, smiling, so therefore the rest of us really don’t give a rat’s ass that your kid will be doing next year’s taxes.
Once you do find that special group of folks who are willing to overlook, or at least, nervously laugh at all your idiosyncrasies, and also not plan to kidnap your son, there should still be some rules to follow so that everything stays on the up and up. And I’m not talking about cocaine smuggling here folks (although that could make some extra cash but really would you want an AK47 around a newborn? Certainly not until they are at least 2 and can somewhat follow directions), I’m talking about how to treat one another in a close-knit group.
Rule 4: If these women invite you to their house(s) for a play date, do NOT hide the food you have in your diaper bag and secretly give it to your child while simultaneously devouring the food that has been put out for you. Sure, if your kid has special needs that’s totally cool but if she’s sitting there eating a PBJ with everyone else while you try (not so successfully) to keep your Sam’s Club 5 pound box of raisins to yourself do NOT expect to be asked back. That’s called hoarding and it’s only acceptable during the apocalypse.
Rule 5: If you never invite other mothers to do things, even something as simple as meeting up at the park, do NOT get upset when they stop inviting you. This is called a 1-way relationship; the only people who should be able to handle this on a regular basis are husbands.
Rule 6: Do NOT show up to a playdate to announce after being there 20 minutes that your child just vomited outside. This isn’t so much because we’re squeamish but more because the woman who usually does this is the same one that screams “Defcon 5” if a child with a runny nose is within a mile of her progeny. Heed Paula’s advice: “if you are going to spread the germs you gotta take the germs.”
Rule 7: Do NOT judge how others parent. Your child may sleep in its own crib while your friend’s sleeps with them; this is NOT an opportunity for you to “share” your parental “wisdom.” Remember: we are just bumbling through this mommy thing together; there are no correct answers. As Carrie likes to say: “keep your judging for the Real Housewives or US Weekly.”
Rule 8: Finally, enjoy your new friends. These are the amazing group of chicks who will see you through preschool rejections, potty training, future babies, and, when push comes to shove, offer you an alibi to the police and help you clean your husband’s blood out of the trunk.
Following these simple rules will get you a group of AMAZING chicks who happily and repeatedly make asses out of themselves just to hang out with you. Believe me people, you want THIS!
