Like the local news channels that have special weekly or bi-weekly segments, such as “New Yorker of the Week” or “Good Samaritan,” I’ve decided to include a regular “Suck It” post.  Because, well, I’d like to say it will give you warm fuzzies or renew your faith in humanity but I can promise neither, only that perhaps I’m telling someone or something to “Suck It” that you wish would as well. (Please feel free to email me suggestions for things you’d like to “Suck It”…even if it’s ME). So what has me all hot and bothered like Martha Stewart without minions? Bloggers who refuse to sign their work!

What do I mean? Well, I’ll give you an example: there’s a local blog here in Park Slope (I’m not going to name them because quite frankly I refuse to give them any traffic) where they discuss the inconvenience of children in the neighborhood. This is not really my main frustration, since I can only assume that they have had some sort of frontal lobe damage to move to a neighborhood that is nationally known as “stroller mecca” and expect it to be kid-free. NO, my problem is that they refuse to disclose who they really are. They give only their first names and no pictures. Well, ain’t that brave!  If you have a point of view and you’re taking on a whole group of people have some – pardon my French – balls! Anyone can write vitriolic prose in the anonymity of their own home. If you really trust and believe in what you have to say (and certainly if you are putting down an entire population of folks, aka parents) have the courage and the – dare I say it – humanity to OWN it!

It worries me a little that we are able to go into our private spheres and post such public messages without ever having to really face the person or people we are disparaging. Put your full name and, hell, even a picture. Geez, if you have a blog then respect yourself and your readers enough to let them know who you really are. So Suck It you damn scaredy cats – you know who you are.

Tonya is right, spring has sprung.  And while I couldn’t be more thrilled to have pushed the “bundle me” to the back of the closet, the promise of warmer weather does bring up a few particular concerns.  It just so happens that I enjoy winter fashions.  A gigantic down coat that covers every inch of my body from neck to ankle can hide a multitude of sins –  and I don’t exactly look forward to trading it in for this seasons torturous mini-skirts or short-shorts (over my dead body).  So imagine my excitement when I noticed Oprah was rerunning her “accessories intervention” show, which promised that by simply changing my bag and shoes, I would look taller, thinner and younger.  Did the shoes come with new legs I wondered?  Are there bags with some fancy newfangled technology that would suck the fat directly out of my ass while I’m walking down the street?  Why had I spent the last twenty years of my life trying to look thinner by WEARING CLOTHES THAT MADE ME LOOK LESS FAT when I could have just changed my damn shoes???.  Like the rest of America, I would now look to Oprah for all the answers.

First up was Kathleen who had a “fondness for leopard print.”  I knew immediately that I was in big trouble because while the leopard print was in fact a problem, I knew that the team of style gurus Oprah had collected were not going to let the next little detail just slide by.  Poor Kathleen was wearing leopard print CLOGS.  As our fab designer Carrie has been known to say, there are three things she can’t live without.  Her husband, her child, and her clogs – and I understand completely.  I bought my first pair of clogs when my daughter was three weeks old.  I was in the “oh, it’s really true that you can’t take a shower” phase.  As all you mothers out there know, the realization that putting on mascara, brushing your hair and god forbid tying shoes takes too much time is shocking.  It was a dark time, but then I was finally beginning to understand why many of the mothers of Park Slope could be seen sporting the uber-practical “dansko clog”.  I never found them to be especially fashionable, but they didn’t have laces and I suspected they were comfortable.  My feet, not kidding, have never hurt again and I’ve worn them nearly every single day for the last two years.  So, as you may imagine, I felt a little sensitive about Kathleen being attacked on national television over her love of clogs.

The accessories team assured Kathleen that her love of animal print was no problem – an asset in fact!  She just needed to make it “sexier.”  What were the clogs replaced with?  Leopard print stilettos of course!  The audience oohed and ahhed over how much younger, sexier and just hotter she looked.  Yeah, duh.  I agree that I would look hotter in four-inch heels.  However, how much hotter would I be in a neck brace?  Because I assure you that a neck brace is the next accessory I would be sporting.  Five seconds on the playground in heels (assuming I even made it that far) and I would sustain injuries requiring traction, extensive reconstructive surgery. . . and the final piece de resistance – the neck brace.  

Oprah, I know you mean well.  I agree that the woman who had tiny pigs on the toes of her flats needed to be set straight.  I also agree that it’s just plain tacky to wear socks and sneakers with a business suit.  But isn’t there some sort of happy medium between all out sexy and functional?  I know my beloved clogs wouldn’t exactly receive the Carrie Bradshaw seal of approval, and I’d like to do better.  But please don’t tell me a four-inch heel is the answer.  Because to borrow a phrase from Oprah, “there’s one thing I do know”, and that’s there’s no shoe that looks good with a neck brace.

In Brooklyn these past few days, Spring has Sprung. It's glorious. No more struggling a screaming, jelly-legged toddler into 5 layers of clothing, by which the fourth layer they have pooped and are in need of a serious diaper change so you have start all over. And no more forced in-house playdates where the children are so stir-crazy they dismantle a 2-bedroom apartment in 15 minutes flat -- right down to the foundation.

No, today, was beautiful and everyone ran as fast as they could to the playground, where the children, so hopped up on Vitamin D, dug happily in the sandbox and few altercations were had. Why am I telling you this? Well, because I used to think I was laid back (ok, a neurotic sort of easy breezy) able to face any situation with relative ease. But today I was like Jessica Simpson taking the MENSA exam. I was freaked! I had forgotten what it was like to talk casually with random, lovely strangers while at the slide or the swings; to chase after my son as he screams with delight on the jungle gym; and to watch him cavort happily in a sea of other kids.

I sat there at the sandbox, trying to remember the first syllables of my own name, while my son proceeded to cover himself completely in sand. (As long as he's not maiming anyone, I'm good) Realizing that there are really 2 moms we all have to be: The Summer and Spring Mom: sporting a relaxed grin, ready with easy conversation for the folks at the water fountain and the sandbox, and prepared with 10 gallons of juice and water for the spastic kid that basically just ran the equivalent of the10K in 2 minutes. Then there's the Fall and Winter Mom: she's darker, more cynical (she knows what's coming when that first day of freezing weather hits), she grumbles to herself as she pushes a crazy heavy stroller through 2 feet of snow or walks a freezing preschooler home while only wearing one glove and no hat, because she lost them when she was trying to retrieve the precious scarf her kid just threw across the street. And she and all her mom friends take turns allowing their houses to be destroyed on a regular basis by 20 wild 2 year olds because the fragmented conversation she has with her friends, even though it never really has a conclusion or a point since it's constantly interrupted with "mommommommommommommommom," is the only thing that keeps her sanity in tact. That mom, she's a ticking time bomb. 

Anyway, apparently I don't transition easily from Fall/Winter Mom to Spring/Summer mom. I guess I have a dethawing period because mumbling, grumpy winter mom does NOT make many friends at the spring sandbox. And I just can't seem to stop; it's become such a habit. I feel like I need to go to some 10 week course on how to get that other woman I was last spring and summer back and some how let loose of all of these negative behaviors I've gathered this winter. I guess like quitting smoking or caffeine one just has to do it one day at a time, a little at a time. So tomorrow I'll be at the sandbox and the slide and I'll see if I can't smile at least once and perhaps not have a conversation with myself for at least 5 minutes.

Crate and Barrel Parker Chair

In the face of all odds--lack of health insurance, no sick time, kids with ear infections and patchy daycare--a lot of incredibly talented and capable ad hoc moms manage to produce significant and inspiring work. Here is our first feature in a planned series called ad hoc MOM MADE. Today's subject: Hannah Alderson, a textile designer whose fabric design appears on Crate and Barrel's Parker chair. The chair was recently featured on the Today Show.

Description of product: I work as a designer for a fabric importer. This design was inspired by a kind of Central Asian textile called a suzani. A lot of my inspiration comes from antique textiles which I then translate into a style of my own.  I created the drawing, drafted all of the weaves (a technical process that involves making what some people think look like little "crossword puzzles" of black and white squares), and prepared all of the dying and color instructions. These are then translated and woven at a mill in China and then imported into the US for sale to the furniture market here.

Number of work days per week (with home/office split breakdown): Home: 1.5 days a week; Office: 2 days a week (3 hour roundtrip commute, ugh.)

Daycare:  A crazy quilt: Son Sam (2): Jewish Community Center day care 3 days a week and mother in law half day a week. Daughter Harper (5): preschool 5 days a week, with after school program 2 days a week, mother in law one afternoon a week, and pick up by grandparents 3 other days a week.

Health Insurance Through my husband's job.

What you love most about working in ad hoc fashion: Not having a real boss. I'm never around any one place long enough to feel like I'm part of a corporate culture. I don't have to show up to holiday parties or deal with office politics.

What you like least: The constant need to change my schedule, and the expectation that I and not my husband will do it because my job is more "flexible." The hours seem to erode away from work from the moment I wake up every Monday morning. I am always behind. I miss coworkers and the positive side of office relationships and humor.

Wish you had more of: Guilt-free time to work on pursuing my real dream: starting my own business. Maternity leave. Unemployment benefits. If I were to lose my job I wouldn't be entitled to it. I have co-workers in textiles who work full time who have lost jobs and been entitled to free tuition for re-training under a Federal Act to protect employees who lose jobs due to competition from overseas manufacturing. College babysitters with a driver's license and endless supply of energy for games.

Wish you had less of: Commute. Uncertainty about what every week would bring.

Plans for future: To one day have a line of fabrics which will be sold under my name. My own studio where I can leave my house to go to work. It will have lots of light, heat (our house's heat is set to go down to 62 degrees during the day when "no one is home." That is except the mom who is actually using her home as her office), space, and I can play whatever music I want. I will hire young designers and have a family friendly work policy. And a napping couch.

I am a devotee of    Pundit Mom and her recent post about women needing to become more of a voice when it comes to healthcare really resonated with me. Why, is it that the photos of the healthcare debate always show a room full of men? Come on ladies, we need a voice! Just have a gander at a few of the male comments about Pundit Mom's post and you will see that, regardless of political affiliation, we MUST MUST MUST come together. Because, quite honestly, until men are able to squeeze a watermelon from their penis they have NO idea what it means to give birth.

Quite a few of these people, who don't think that maternity leave or post-partum rights should be covered by healthcare, made me want to contact Eminem, have him take out his rage on their abdomens, maybe break a few limbs, a couple of jaws, oh, and noses, definitely break some noses, and then ask them if their injuries should be covered by insurance. Most of those men would be crying like a baby if their bodies had to got through what ours do. And then the expectation that a few days later we should be back to normal and working is appalling.

So, here I go again, on my little soap box screaming out my opinions through a megaphone into the black hole that is the internet. Anyone there?

Whenever I have brought up maternity leave -- rights for moms, respect, pay, status, etc.-- in mixed company I always get back quite a few comments about how women just want some sort of spa vacation. Ummmm, have they ever met a newborn? Did their wives just take control of everything to the point that they are completely unaware that such a small bundle comes with such strong, constant demands? And then there is the argument that I believe that people should get something for nothing -- I don't, btw -- but this belief has NOTHING to do with women's maternity leave rights, job status, pay, and respect. This has EVERYTHING to do with bringing up future generations in the most fundamentally healthy way. Giving mom and baby a chance to bond. Giving the woman time to heal from the massive "hit by a semi-truck" transformation that has happened to her body. Lastly, I get those who say that maternity care and rights should not be mandated by the federal government or part of any health care system. I am mystified by this belief...quite honestly, it leaves me speechless. If having a cesarean section is a "pre-existing" condition to the health insurance industry and most American women give birth in hospitals, how can we possibly not think of this as a federal health issue????

So, while I may really like Marshall Mathers (don't judge me) I don't want to have to give him a call. And the only way I can see that we can stop this is to come together! I don't care if you're Republican, Democrat, or Independent, nor does it matter what religion you have, if you're a woman and you want/have children then, at the very least, stand up for them! Yell at the top of your lungs for them! Demand to be there (with rights in place) for them!

How can I do this? Well, I'm glad you asked. First off, get VERY VERY angry. Second, contact your Senators and demand A Federally Mandated Maternity Leave Policy! We are back in 1920 hoping for a vote, wishing that our vaginas (and the things they are able to do) didn't keep us from being counted. I know this is time consuming and being an adhoc MOM time is at a premium so over the next few weeks I will be posting ways to get more involved or at the very least have your voice counted with the least amount of time spent. And Remember: YOU are responsible for the future and YOU deserve rights!